F.O.U.R.

Four years ago yesterday I was sitting alone in Starbucks crying (why oh WHY was I crying while sitting alone in a coffee shop with nothing but my bible, journal and a wonderful RED cup of goodness in my hands? - oh, back to the point) Four years ago yesterday; I was crying because I was 10 days past my due date and still hadn't had the baby that I was convinced would never actually make it into my arms.

Four years ago yesterday; I had yet to experience heart shattering love and fear simultaneously overtake my emotions and leave me in a puddle of tears and smiles, mini panic attacks and basic senseless goo.

Four years ago yesterday; I had no idea what kind of responsibility and testing and stretching and life altering... consumption, having a child brings into your life.

Four years ago yesterday; I absolutely thought it was all about me and have been struggling to recover from the slow and steady realization that IT. IS. NOT. ever since.

Four years ago yesterday; it was Ryan and it was me, and that is where our 'family', our line, ended.

But four years ago today? I became a mom. To this girl.

And she has flipped my whole world upside down. She has brought me such joy. Such incredibly deep deep joy. I could cry at the drop of a hat when I take a moment to think of the way I love her. How is emotion like that even possible?

Now before I go any further; I know it is typically 'uncool' to gush on and on about how wonderful your kids are. But it's her birthday; my baby girl turned four today...so I get a free pass, back off :)

She's developing quite the personality you know. Year by year she seems to fill out more of herself. Like a little balloon you watch slowly inflate as you puff more and more air into it. I don't know if that's a disturbing analogy since eventually balloons, well, pop...but you get what I mean. And each year I think I've got her number, then she goes and develops yet another side to herself as if to say "No way Mom, I'm still going; you can't sum me up that quickly!" I am loving this getting older thing with her. The things we can talk about now, the concepts she can grasp, the way I can watch her little determination as she literally drowns herself in all things art because her teacher told her God clearly gave her that talent.

Oh, I love her so so much. And even though she can't read this (although at her rate I won't be surprised if she can in a couple more months, crazy diligence this one has, crazy) I just wanted to put it out there in blogosphere, for all to see.

Happy Birthday little one; you are growing up so fast. I adore who you are becoming and I can't wait to meet even more of you.

Just some examples of my little Miss personality,

Walkin in a Winter Wonderland

It has been cold up here. C.O.L.D. I tell you.

But that didn't stop us from doing what is quickly becoming a favorite tradition up here at Christmas time. There is an insane neighborhood that you would be bummed to find yourself in if you happened to not celebrate Christmas. They decorate their houses in massive displays of lights and music and characters, snow and blow ups and structures of incredible detail. It's really a sight to see... so we go see it. Bundled up in 20 million jackets and armed with Starbucks in our hands we walk the circled neighborhood in an parade of strollers and friends. The kids had way more fun this year than last as they complained less about hats that bother their ears and paid more attention to the displays surrounding them... maybe next year we'll be completely whine free...here's hoping!








Oh...btw. There are no pictures of said lights, displays and decorations. It was enough to keep the kids corralled, covered in blankets, kept inside strollers and happy while walking in freezing weather, at least I got pictures of THEM, what do you want from me?

Mind Wandering Mondays

It feels like my mind wanders more on Mondays than any other. Maybe it's because I've had more conversation over the weekend so the extreme halt in intelligent dialog that comes every Monday (when I'm once again back alone with the kiddos) leaves my mind a bit confused and lonely. And so it goes on, talking to itself about the thinks it is thinking and the muses it is musing...and that can lead to a lot of mind wandering.

So this time I thought I'd share the random wanderings of my Monday... in no particular order or significance (which is by its very definition, the essence of true wandering...)

I wonder what in the world made me the kind of person that truly believes she will be the one in a million to win contests. Every contest, every time. I am the girl who is thinking "Well, SOMEBODY's gotta win, I bet it'll be me." This characteristic drives my husband batty. I literally spent 3 full days last week listening to the radio ALL DAY LONG and dialing like a mad woman when the DJ said to, in hopes of winning close to a $1000 dollar shopping spree amongst other things. There is a crazy voice in my head that tells me I will win and I believe it whole heartedly and everyone who laughs at me simply spurs me on to how great it is going to be when I win and get to say 'I told you so'. This particular contest? I got as far as caller 24 (the winner was 25), but I did not win. Nor did I get on Deal or no Deal, (of which I am convinced, HAD I gotten on, I most certainly would have picked the million dollar case, I am highly intuitive that way and pick it often when watching the show... hey don't laugh, it's true). And so the craziness goes on. Why am I like this. What is wrong with me? Crazy, crazy girl, I should be locked up.

I was driving home with the kids in tow and I was using my knee to drive because I was eating frozen yogurt. Two mind wanderings stem from that : First, I was eating vanilla with colored sprinkles which I haven't had since my junior year in high school. I know because I used to work at a Yogurt Shop and me and the girls who worked there always had vanilla (only when it was yellowish and icy not the bright white fluffy kind of vanilla) and colored sprinkles. But we would eat it all day long by filling tasters up really high then dipping them right into the sprinkles bin on the counter and popping the whole thing in our mouths. ..umm .. we got fired, but that's not the point. The POINT is, man it was good, and today was no exception; felt like I was right back in high school. YUM. Second, I told you I was eating while driving and thus steering with my knee. Ever since the hands free cell phone while driving law I have had this incredibly irrational fear and panic every time I do anything else requiring my hands while driving. Like eating, or putting on make-up. I will all of the sudden get very nervous and wonder if these are also against the law now and if a cop sees me will I get a ticket. Seriously it crosses my mind every time. How weird am I? Who thinks this way? Crazy rule followers, that's who. All that to say, Macy promptly corrected me that I was not being safe and needed to put both hands back on the steering wheel. Ah, my cautious daughter...she's absolutely doomed to annoy everyone around her with her inherited rule following. Poor girl.

I met with Deirdre Fitzpatrick today at Bellybou' to fit her for a photo shoot she'll be doing featuring our clothes in a January magazine issue. Deirdre is a news anchor in Sac. and really good exposure for the store. That was awesome.

It is December 1st and we are decorated for Christmas. Well, decorated all except our tree which should be done because we finally caved (thanks in large part to a very convincing post by Sara Goens) and got a fake tree this year; but when we got it home, parts assembled, box hoisted high in the rafters and each. and. every. teeny branch spread perfectly and evenly out...the kids and I stood eagerly awaiting the big reveal while Ryan plugged the lights in. And...voila! A chunk of the tree stayed unlit. After an hour of searching and trying and plugging and replugging, it still won't light. So the tree goes back to costco, only to try it all over again tonight. THIS? This is NOT Awesome.

So there ya have it, my wanderings for the day...or atleast some of them. Thanks for helping me ease back into my silent mind for the week. Maybe I'll talk to you all again next Monday! You're much better listeners than my kids!