On to 'Twin Mom'-ness.
Ah, the title. I spent 9 months aware of this 'title', spent 9 months not really believing it was going to mean anything more than what I already knew, that I'd 'have my hands full' (If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me...oi). Well, I'm eight months in to this new 'title' of mine and it's time for some honesty.
I kind of rolled my eyes at this idea of being a 'twin mom' being anything I needed a separate or different type of 'support' for. Already being a mom, times two; I kinda figured the only differences I was about to experience would be basic and practical survival type techniques that I'd need to learn and do differently. Things like feeding two at a time, holding two crying babies, do they share a crib, etc etc etc. I really didn't think there'd be anything on the emotional level that was different this time around; I wasn't expecting that at all. So whenever anyone would ask me if I was going to go to a 'Mother's of Multiples' group or something of that nature, I kind of thought. "What for?...I have wonderful fellow mom friends who provide all the parenting examples, emotional support and listening ears I could ever need. Besides a few tips I can get from twin books, I'm good."
But I have been surprised how wrong I was; how there really does seem to be something to this whole 'twin mom' title that I'm just now grasping is going to make my whole experience as a mom different; from here on out.
First, there's some minor things that are taking some time to get comfortable with. I've been surprised how much I've grown to dislike the attention. Now, I am NOT one who typically wants to be left alone. Most of my life I have not minded a little 'spotlight' here and there, I wanted to be an actress for crying out loud! But the stares, the same stream of questions over and over, the laughter that, call me crazy, doesn't always feel so nice. Well, it makes me uncomfortable and I get tired of playing the game.
"Haha, yes they're twins. No they're not identical."
"Haha, no we didn't plan for them."
"Haha, yes I have my hands full."
Or my favorite.
Them: "Oh you're sooooo lucky! I always wanted twins. My sister's brother's uncle's friend has twins; I really really hope I have twins."
Me: "Oh, well...um...that's nice." (I mean seriously what am I supposed to say to that? "Dude, you're crazy you have no idea what you're talking about!"?)
Anyway, that's the humorous, semi-annoying side of things that I haven't really gotten used to.
The other side is a little harder to articulate, but just as real. It can be as simple as trying to look at both babies at once. Like really look at them, as their little faces are staring up at you, eyes locked in anticipation of Mommy's full attention, open mouth grin waiting to break into a huge smile as soon as you make eye contact. You mom's know the moment, those sweet little flirtatious times of bonding where baby is enthralled with you and your focus.
But when there's two; who do you focus on?
I wasn't prepared to simultaneously feel guilt coupled alongside delight as one child is giggling in enjoyment at your attention while the other is sitting right there; kind of laughing too, but like that kid in Jr. high; laughing at a joke he's not involved in; like a third wheel not fully included...
Now I know my babies don't actually feel or contemplate complex concepts like feeling left out yet. But it doesn't mean it doesn't cross my mind; it doesn't mean I can do anything about the irrational worry and sadness I feel at not being able to just indulge in that entire moment with one of my babies, not worrying about giving even doses to each. Cuz a girl can go straight crazy trying to switch gazes and googly lovey-dovey phrases back and forth between two sparkling sets of eyes. Trust me...you get more than a little dizzy.
So that's part of it. And the rest kind of swirls out of that same feeling. There's alot of divide and conquer mentality with twins. Alot of 'whatever get's the job done' that goes on throughout the day. I'm sure this is the case in alot of households with multiple wee ones; but when I literally can not hold both babies while they drink their bottles, I dont hold either cuz it's just too weird to prop one up and snuggle the other, when both babies have found themselves in a crying, 'nothing seems to soothe me except being held' state at the same time, I literally can not hold and calm two babies, so they both are left to cry and figure it out cuz how do you choose which one gets comforted while the other looks on?
This is not always how I deal with each situation, but when I do choose one to treat as my 'only' baby for the moment; the guilt is awful; thinking of the other one, left to fend for themselves for a bit. Sure I'll switch it up next time, it's not like I'm playing favorites; all I'm saying is I wasn't prepared for the emotional tug in two directions when you literally can't do both.
So that's not much for a Twin Tip...since if you actually are reading this from a perspective of wanting advice; I haven't really given you anything to DO about the struggle. And I'm quite the hypocrite because my days do not include enough time to go join a 'twin group' even though now I concede they have value. BUT at least I'm warning you that the emotional difficulties will be there, which is more than I can say for the 'twin books' I read during pregnancy... or maybe they did talk about it and I just wasn't listening..that could have happened too..but I'll go with the 'no one told me' excuse. Sounds better. :)
Ah, 50 minutes to spare. Happy Wednesday everybody.
