Well, the Christmas decor is all boxed and back up in the attic. I think I may have overdone it a bit this year, it kind of looked like Christmas threw up in my living room.. but that's only how I felt at the very end. I absolutely loved it all month, even though I knew it was over the top, it made my kids smile and it made me smile..so I really don't care about anything else. It just meant by New Years Day I was READY. Which is a good thing, cause some years I actually feel sad taking everything down, this year I couldn't get it in boxes fast enough, de-clutter, DE-CLUTTER! And now my house feels clean and crisp to me. Which is another very good thing.
Speaking of New Year's Eve. It was a bit different than last year even though we spent it with just the 6 of us at home again. Last year we felt hopeful and energized. I'll just say this year, when Ryan and I toasted the New Year by ourselves in our living room, with our 4 sleeping children tucked in safely and our tired bodies and minds just barely staying awake, he looked at me and said with all honesty.
"Well, we didn't die this year, that's good." Ha. Atleast we had a good laugh at that. :)
I had alot of well processed and digested thoughts at the end of 2009. Not so much this year. This year I have alot of blah, yuck, half baked thoughts and emotions. And they don't make for such great blog posts. Thus the inactivity lately. Well, at least part of the reason for the inactivity.
I guess I've struggled a bit with blogging in general lately, just feeling like I want to distance myself a little from the NEED to make every experience and thought and moment public. Not for the sake of privacy. I still feel passionately about the discipline of transparency and just basic thoughtful self evaluation, both of which I feel blogging helps me immensely with. As well as simple documenting of my family's journey, which I highly value.
But rather for the sake of the inevitable itty bitty pressures and stress that it seems to HAVE to bring with it. The nagging notion that if I'm having a sweet moment with my kids, I for some reason should grab my camera, not to savor it, but so I can BLOG about it. The voice in the back of my head that shuffles through a gazillion options of the best phrasing for a status update I want to post because I am craving a tiny moment of escape from my actual surroundings. The subtle disappointment I feel about myself when I can't seem to condense my jumbled thoughts into a succinct post, with a funny story and a nicely packaged 'moral to the story' ending.
And as far as blog-hopping, I've begun to be more careful about the blogs I surf and visit as well, watching closely the emotions they pull in me. To covet? To be vaguely dissatisfied in myself or my own life? No no, that is NOT what I enjoy about blogs. I will steer clear. And I challenge you, my friends who visit, to be careful too. These online worlds can be so good; connecting us, challenging us, spurring us on. But as with everything, they can also be used to pull us down. Because we can craft our own realities here, we can choose what to post and we can choose how to paint ourselves. And we, as observers of others, can forget the real icky sticky-ness of the lives behind the computer screens and be tempted to think they somehow have it more together, easier, happier, more talented, more blessed. And in turn we can grow weary of our own journeys, we can be tempted to want someone else's perceived existence for ourselves, which is called coveting by the way. And we can spiral and allow what was intended for good, to be used for pain.
So, what do I do with these thoughts, when I still love blogs and blogging so much? Well, I guess as with all things, I simply must be wise and careful. That's all, no big revelation; just wisdom, and continual evaluation. And lately I've been evaluating.
So that's a tiny bit of explanation for the few less posts this past month. I've been enjoying the freedom that has come with occasionally letting a significant event or large chunk of time pass completely unrecorded save for the exact moments I lived and enjoyed them.
Just figured I'd share. Anyone else have areas you are 'evaluating' these days in pursuit of wisdom?
3 comments:
I just found your blog and wow! You stole the words right out of my heart! I just did a year of incredibly emotional blogging and now am having a hard time posting *anything* because I'm just tired of feeling like I need to put it all out there. And I know exactly how you feel about reading other blogs and then comparing all the way that your photos aren't as good, or you don't take as many, or their decorations are better, or they're more talented in _____... I, too, have had to stop reading certain ones because instead of being uplifted and inspired or challenged, I left feeling inadequate, untalented, and generally just kind of lame. It's such a relief to hear that i'm not the only one who has felt that way! thanks for sharing your thoughts :-)
Katie, I love reading your processing. I feel so much of what you wrote. Especially the part about how we choose to paint ourselves. I really struggled with the blog world for a while...feeling like I couldn't live up. Finally, I decided to just blog for me. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.
You're kids are so cute. you probably don't recognize my last name. Maybe Griffith will jog your memory?? or not??
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