5 Years ago you came blazing in to my life. (Literally blazing, the doctor almost dropped you!) and since the moment I held you in my arms and whispered your name for the first time I knew I'd never be the same.
I thought it was maybe because you were a boy, or because I'd already been a mom for 20 months so I felt more calm and confident and therefore enjoyed your birth and first months of life with a significantly more relaxed demeanor. Whatever it was I knew we were developing a strong connection and I had this strange feeling you were about to change my whole world. I could not have been more right.
Son, you have flipped everything on it's head. You have taken all my thoughts and ideas and plans and confidence and thrown it right out the window, along with my stubborn pride and selfishness. And you know what? I will love you for it, for the rest of my life. You have shown me how much my eyes were focused on myself when we first started out, how much I thought motherhood was about ME. It's true I have cried many tears over you Carter Ryan, but often they were much more about the personal struggle the Lord had me on these past five years, one of growth and acceptance and letting go of my own agenda. You forced my eyes on to you, made me see you and all of your complexities, made me move and change and adapt to understand you and love you all the more for what I discover. 5 years in, I am learning how to let you be you, instead of trying to squeeze you into my own perfect picture, and I'm only just now getting a handle on it.
Gosh I love you. It's weird how love can hurt, but the good kind of soul aching hurt that lets you know how precious something is to you. I love you like that, like every sweet moment with you makes me want to cry for the way it fills my heart with emotion, like I literally want to freeze time when you grin at me and mumble 'I love you Mama.".
You bring incredible joy and enthusiasm to my world, you bring life and challenge and deep dependence on the Lord into each of my days. You make me laugh, oh how you make us all laugh. I don't know how you create the zillions of different faces you make but they are hilarious. I don't know where you come up with the sayings and voices you do but you keep us all rolling. You are passionate and incredibly focused on the things you love. Bugs, animals, creatures of every kind have captured your heart in a way I am constantly baffled by. Talk about pushing me ... or yanking, pulling, dragging me by the hair kicking and screaming... out of my comfort zone. You will NOT let up on your love of creepy crawly things. It's killing me. :) You love playing Imaginext with your sister, you love wrestling with your brothers and you adore all your baby cousins. You have the sweetest, most tender side with them, it's awesome to watch. You are a hard worker, and very smart. You're just starting to read and the look of pride on your face when you finish a word bird book is indescribable. You love your friend Anna, you love the Boyum's and you love Miss Netty's Preschool. And you LOVE your grandparents. I think you wish you lived at their houses instead of ours. (Infact you have told me emphatically a number of times but I'm choosing not to hear it.)
We learned a term for you this past year, "Slow to warm". It has helped your dad and I understand your world so much more. You need time to adjust to ideas and atmospheres and textures and people and because of that I can misunderstand you and think maybe you don't actually love all that much, but when I watch you with patience, it's so clear that the opposite is true. You love so SO much, and you love it intensely. Actually the term is just perfect for you because when we do take that time, and you're allowed the space you need to go slow, man do you warm; in fact watching the way you love the things you love, warm doesn't quite capture it; it's more like you're slow to shine.
I am so proud of all the growth I have seen in you over the past year; you are getting so big I can't even stand it. I love you precious boy.
Happy Birthday.
I thought it was maybe because you were a boy, or because I'd already been a mom for 20 months so I felt more calm and confident and therefore enjoyed your birth and first months of life with a significantly more relaxed demeanor. Whatever it was I knew we were developing a strong connection and I had this strange feeling you were about to change my whole world. I could not have been more right.
Son, you have flipped everything on it's head. You have taken all my thoughts and ideas and plans and confidence and thrown it right out the window, along with my stubborn pride and selfishness. And you know what? I will love you for it, for the rest of my life. You have shown me how much my eyes were focused on myself when we first started out, how much I thought motherhood was about ME. It's true I have cried many tears over you Carter Ryan, but often they were much more about the personal struggle the Lord had me on these past five years, one of growth and acceptance and letting go of my own agenda. You forced my eyes on to you, made me see you and all of your complexities, made me move and change and adapt to understand you and love you all the more for what I discover. 5 years in, I am learning how to let you be you, instead of trying to squeeze you into my own perfect picture, and I'm only just now getting a handle on it.
Gosh I love you. It's weird how love can hurt, but the good kind of soul aching hurt that lets you know how precious something is to you. I love you like that, like every sweet moment with you makes me want to cry for the way it fills my heart with emotion, like I literally want to freeze time when you grin at me and mumble 'I love you Mama.".
You bring incredible joy and enthusiasm to my world, you bring life and challenge and deep dependence on the Lord into each of my days. You make me laugh, oh how you make us all laugh. I don't know how you create the zillions of different faces you make but they are hilarious. I don't know where you come up with the sayings and voices you do but you keep us all rolling. You are passionate and incredibly focused on the things you love. Bugs, animals, creatures of every kind have captured your heart in a way I am constantly baffled by. Talk about pushing me ... or yanking, pulling, dragging me by the hair kicking and screaming... out of my comfort zone. You will NOT let up on your love of creepy crawly things. It's killing me. :) You love playing Imaginext with your sister, you love wrestling with your brothers and you adore all your baby cousins. You have the sweetest, most tender side with them, it's awesome to watch. You are a hard worker, and very smart. You're just starting to read and the look of pride on your face when you finish a word bird book is indescribable. You love your friend Anna, you love the Boyum's and you love Miss Netty's Preschool. And you LOVE your grandparents. I think you wish you lived at their houses instead of ours. (Infact you have told me emphatically a number of times but I'm choosing not to hear it.)
We learned a term for you this past year, "Slow to warm". It has helped your dad and I understand your world so much more. You need time to adjust to ideas and atmospheres and textures and people and because of that I can misunderstand you and think maybe you don't actually love all that much, but when I watch you with patience, it's so clear that the opposite is true. You love so SO much, and you love it intensely. Actually the term is just perfect for you because when we do take that time, and you're allowed the space you need to go slow, man do you warm; in fact watching the way you love the things you love, warm doesn't quite capture it; it's more like you're slow to shine.
I am so proud of all the growth I have seen in you over the past year; you are getting so big I can't even stand it. I love you precious boy.
Happy Birthday.
3 comments:
Loved the video -adorable little guy you have there :)
Beautiful, Katie. You are such a great mother to your 4 little ones. Happy Birthday Carter Bot!
So cute Katie! Love you Carter!!!!!
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